Survival Guide

This Week: How To Read

For many of us, reading can be a serious and time-consuming problem. Some of us were never taught to read; others are simply out of practice; and there are even some of us who are too inebriated on a regular basis to remember our own names, let alone read them. But in today’s society, it is important to know how to read, particularly if you are planning to be successful in any element of living. As such, we’ve prepared this handy guide on reading. We’re sure you’ll find it pointlessly amusing.

STEP ONE: WHAT TO READ
Some of you may be having trouble remembering what you can and can't read. Here are a few suggestions of things to read, as well as a few things which you must avoid at all costs.
Things you SHOULD read
Books; Pamphlets; DVD covers; This blog; Textbooks; Instruction manuals; Cockbooks (he means cookbooks – ed.); More pamphlets; Menus; TV guides.
Things you should NOT read
Ducks; Mein Kampf; other blogs; Boring books; Cheese; Newspapers (sorry, should have been with the things you SHOULD read section); The Da Vinci Code; Anything else by Dan Brown.

STEP TWO: SAFETY GEAR
Now that you have chosen your reading material, it is time to make sure that you are wearing the correct clothing. Never under ANY circumstances attempt to read ANYTHING if you are not wearing protective clothing. Ensure that your safety harness is snug and secure and that your goggles are completely covering both your eyes. The risk of a serious head injury is surprisingly small provided that you are wearing an Australian Fiction Council approved helmet. Check to see that you have your sick bag handy, in case you read something disgusting. Always wear pants.

STEP THREE: ASSUME THE POSITION
Your feet should be shoulder width apart, soles flat on the floor, toes pointing slightly inward. Bend your knees at right angles and move your rear end downwards until it reaches the seat of the chair. DO NOT sit on the armrest. DO NOT sit on the backrest. DO NOT sit on the cat. Lay the book flat on your lap with the front cover facing up, spine to the left. Place your hands on either side of the book. Keep your eyes open at all times. This serves a dual purpose: Firstly, it allows you to watch out for any ninjas which may be sneaking up on you; and secondly, it is very hard to read with your eyes shut.

STEP FOUR: UNDERSTAND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
This step may take several years of schooling for you to master. When you feel you are proficient in recognizing letters and numbers, take this simple test to make sure. The answers can be found at the bottom of the page.
Can you name the following letters?

A B C F ^ + T J $

STEP FIVE: CATCHING A FISH
Bait the line using a minnow or fathead minnow. Alternatively you can eat the bait and save yourself the trouble.
Cast your line over the side of the boat. If you are not fishing in a boat, you should not worry about catching a fish – you should be more worried about not drowning.
Once a fish has swallowed the bait and hook, reel it in and cook it, then eat it.
Don’t forget to take the bones out first.
Oh, and don’t cook the fish in the boat. Wait till you get back to dry land.

So there you have it. A handy guide to reading. Incidentally, if you’ve made it this far without knowing how to read, we’re very impressed. We’d give you a prize, but we can’t be bothered.
Take care all!
Answers to Quiz in Step Four: A; B; C; F; ^; +; T; J; $; Hippopotamus