Snakes

Fuck off, Ignoratus

2009-04-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

I'm really annoyed by people who ask stupid questions.

Sometimes, the situation exists wherein there is no such thing as a stupid question. These situations are when the topic matter is somewhat alien or complex and the answer from the authority in the conversation may indeed help everyone by refreshing their knowledge or teaching something new.

But sometimes, most especially, people ask questions in response to facebook status (this is 'status' in plural form). Tips:

1. If their status is something which sounds catastrophic, don't show concern, they are merely song lyrics which seem immensely out of place when not given the appropriate musical accompaniment. "Anything too stupid to be spoken, is sung."

2. If their status is not writ in the third person, they don't deserve a response anyway.

3. If their status is asking a question, don't reply with a question.

BASICALLY, these problems could all be solutioned through the use of google, or Wikipedia. If someone says something or suggests something, get ahead of the game, google/wikipedia it, and continue the conversation. Do not ask "why will you follow me into the dark?"

Also, in the real world, if people are speaking to you about something, don't ask a stupid question unless, as aforementioned, topic is complex, or will get you laid/promoted/profit. If they're talking about things you don't understand, one of you doesn't belong there. Free yourself of questions and live your life by statements.

Touched by an Angel

2009-03-17T04:01:00.000-07:00

I was touched by an angel today. I kid you not - physically, actually touched by an angel. You might be asking "How can this be? How is it even possible, when angels don't exist and, if they do, certainly not on Earth? HOW CAN THIS BE?"

Well, maybe it wasn't an angel in the physical sense. Maybe it was a homeless person. And maybe I payed him to do it. But regardless, it was like being touched by an angel, because while it was happening I had a spiritual awakening.

Well, maybe it wasn't a spiritual awakening. Maybe it was an erection. But who cares? I had a good time anyway.

Don't judge. It's un-Christian.

Your To Do List

2009-02-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

If you're a band performing live and you are actually good on your instruments, do solos...we love that - it's the whole point of seeing someone live

Having no tan looks better than having a crap fake tan and a crap fake tan is VERY common.

Don't wear flat-brimmed baseball caps aka lids. They look stupid, ESPECIALLY if you're white.

The more money you spend putting things on the outside of your car, the cheaper it will look.

Try meditating sometime, it's very relaxing and you'll feel good afterwards.

Take the stairs if it's less than four floors. Fatty.

If you're using a knife/axe/cutting implement follow my grandfather's rule: never put flesh before steel (ie push the blade away from body/hand/fingers)

Don't look at simplistic post-modern art and say "that's not art" or "I can't believe someone paid money for this! I could make this easily!". Instead, shut the fuck up.

If you're a band performing live, say your thanks and goodbyes BEFORE you play the last song so you can hit the last note and piss off, leaving the crowd gagging for more.

Don't pout in photos, it generally looks stupid, even if you are being ironic.

Listen to Miles Davis. Seriously.

Resurrected

2008-02-28T04:15:00.000-08:00

Expect new content within the week. Or not.

Argumentum ad hominem

2007-10-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Elcap. He's a top bloke.

While there are unconcious attributions made to people in regards to their traits, more often than not, people will use ad hominem arguments, whether for good or bad, to get their point across or to win an argument. As a psychology student, this fundamental attribution error (FAE) (albeit a slightly different concept from ad hominem) has really caught my eye.

Next time you're talking to your friends, see how many times you get cheered up by them or pissed off by them and then praise or vent them. If your friend (A) wins a prize to go to Fiji for five nights and can take one person, and he takes your other friend (B), who you thought was a lesser friend than you to A, you will no doubt get angry at A and possibly B just for 'being bad people'. It's an innate human thing to do. I call lots of people bad people to give a reason, though I'm aware of my FAE, hell, I use it on myself just to get out of arguments with people of lesser intellect who wont understand the situation (eg "I punched her in the eye because I'm a bad person") behind it. She may have wanted to get some injury time off work, or make use of her private health benefits, but no, people will see the man behind the action, and it's best not to argue with such people.

But onto the case of these errors in the big bad world. Racism is probably the lowest form of ad hominem (and being the bad person I am, I love using racism). Recently, you may have followed the news and heard that Andrew Symonds is blowing up about being called a monkey by the Indian spectators. As a result, there have been many "no no, we can't have this, cricket is a gentlemans game" and "Andy Symonds is an easy victim". Well tell the fucken monkey to go back to the Windies where he was born then. The point is, it really has nothing to do with Andy Symonds. An adopted Carib living in outback Queensland will get his fair share of racism, and adoption jokes (why doesnt the crowd use those?). He has played international cricket for nearly a decade. He has copped much worse than being called a monkey. Yet the media and the audience is only responding to this. Symonds being called a monkey is exactly the same as Andre Nel being called a "Kaffir lover". But because the media are unaware of other nations being able to provide racial taunts, voila, stop the game! More so, the situation has only become big because of the initial taunts made by Indian bowler Sreesanth, and while Andy Symonds probably dishes A+ material out of audioshot to the microphones, he has got the monkey situation captured on video to work in his favour.
End point being, because an Australian is the victim in something not normally attributed to Australians (being victims of crowd racism), it's ad hominem in two ways, Andrew Symonds is a top bloke who deserves to play the game, and Indian spectators are shit people.

Now let's look at another case. Nazis. Yes, they were responsible for many many deaths, and in no way do I personally condone that. But studies have shown that obedience is a uncontrollable human response and lots of the SS guys who committed the killings were under orders. Of course, most people would say thats 'weak', and that 'clearly killing people is enough to make you turn away'. Surely, but if you were put in the situation with the additional threat that if you did not carry out that task you and your family would be thrown in for gassing, you would probably be like the SS folk. "But no Bookie, I would sacrifice myself for the greater good". What greater good? There were 2 million SS officers. One would sacrifice themself, and another would just take his place and be given the same orders. And 2 million SS officers would not sacrifice themselves, I assure you that much because then there would be no greater good. You can't blame 92% of the Nazis (the proportion on avergae of the human population that will obey orders from authority). The other 8%, yeah maybe they were bad folks. That may be due to physiological imbalances which caused them to be psychopaths, but there were probably reasons nonetheless that external observers wish to disregard when taking the big picture into account.

You can blame it on eugenics of course, because eugenics is a shit idea amirite? Yes, Hitler condoned it, so it's an absolutely shit idea. Sure, Hitler did do a bad thing in trying to force negative eugenics by killing the 'inferior' types - but his actions have led most of the world to believe that eugenics would result in genocide etc. This has also led to the concept of positive eugenics to be ignored. Look at eachand every business in the world, and they will inform you that their goal is to "better the lives of others". Better the lives? Does this mean you wish everything to be better, i.e. make a fitter group of peoples? Darwin's theories state that we are ever evolving, and that those who can withstand and adapt to the changing environment will survive longer. Our environment has in it science labs which can alter chromosomes to reduce the chance of defects. Stem cell research can do wonders, but due to conservative leaders (lulz ad hominem), we are stuck in a world which will remain the same.
Positive eugenics can lead to a super race. While people may think the concept a tad elitist, a super species of humans is much more likely to survive over a long term whereas an average race such as at the moment, will not. While those with higher intellects do reproduce, and good looking people reproduce more often than dumb-smart and ugly-hot couples (only because of cirumstances eg models work together, university educated work together), something is being done. However, there is nothing being set by authorities. And fair enough, love and reproduction should be a natural process unhampered by intervention. But were there to be segregation between better and not so better people, then the superspecies would overtake the homo sapien race anyway, and again everyone would be equal. But the new species would be something above human - EVOLUTION IN MOTION, YO. Harder better faster stronger.

On a closing note, I just wish more people would start to not generalise and start looking at situations beyond face value. This would lead to less emotional strife, as well as a more positive appreciation of friends. Everyone does good and bad things, but there are usually good motivations behind it.

Many young women complain, like the rest of the civilised human population, about Adolf Hitler being a bad person and that he should be poked to death by a stick (though he did worse to himself, I'm quite sure). However, many young women also want a VW Beetle. Pity they don't ever associate that with it's inventor.

Batching

2007-09-26T05:58:00.000-07:00

For the next three weeks my entire immediate family will be enjoying sunny Europe and all that the continent entails. I shall remain in the suburbs of Sydney, in a four bedroom house, alone. So far I've survived two whole days without family and it's been kinda weird. The prospect of the car coming up the drive and mum and dad hopping out with the shopping is still very real; but then so is the fact that I have to cook all meals, clean all surfaces and wash all clothes for myself.

I have been inviting people over to keep me company, and so far that's been good. Still I'm the only one sleeping here and it just feels odd to go to bed with no one else in the house (which leads to me staying up later than I should).

For this first post about my (very) single life I would like to focus on the cooking. I have survived 3 main meals in the following fashion:
Last night I invited my second-cousin over for dinner. The meal was a tomato rice dish. Recepie as follows.

Melt (a lot of) butter in frying pan. Chop up an onion and throw it in with a bit of garlic. Fry up some strips of bacon too. Get a tin of peeled tomatos and whack that in too. Add some milk/cream and some red wine (white wine works just as well). Cook it all up in the pan.

While that's going on cook some rice. Then mix the rice into the pan with the sauce. et volia!

I have a playstation 2 here thanks to my friend alex, but I get bored of computer games...

Pretty much this is an ad. If you wanna move in for 3 weeks you can. It's a big empty house and needs to be filled with love.

In the name of the Lord

2007-09-22T19:54:00.000-07:00

We're about a week in to the Islamic holy month of Ramadhan and muslims worldwide are going through half days with no eating and no 'impure thoughts'. All in the name of Allah. Sure, selfless acts should earn you a good reputation from people around you, but if it's for the reason only to be accepted by Allah, is it really worthwhile?

Ramadhan is just one case. Yom Kippur and Lent. All three religions of Abraham [who if you need reminding went past food and sex, and put his son on the line for God] have these sacrifice periods. Why? Because Allah God Yahweh is 'testing', of course. What a champ.

But my main peeve is the fact that people use religion as a means to get out of things. Islamic people who claim they need headscarves to be worn. Hindus who won't touch leather. Jews who won't take part in rest-day work. And then, of course, the Christian dominated world which feels the need to create about 10 public holidays for their cause.

I don't mind if people are religious, many of my closest friends are - good for them. Personally, I'm religious in a scientific sense, as I feel there is a supernatural power, but it is not personal and it only affects the laws of physics. A bit like ancient Hindu philosophy. But it's so fucking selfish of those who are religious to use religious claims for their benefit.

Last week in one of my classes, one girl mentioned how she could not attend her classes the Thursday before because it was Jewish new year. She said that one of her tutors did not accept religious holidays as an excuse (and that's the way it should be), but the others were OK with it. What the fudge. Numerically speaking, there are more Pastafarians in this world than Jews. Yet surely if I or another faux-thiest claims that it was the new year for religion X, we would not be let off, unless the authoritarian was extremely liberal minded.

Now back to Ramadhan - why do these Muslims do it? Don't they get hungry? Don't they realise it's harmful? Don't they know Hell is probably the stupidest idea yet to come from the middle east (where the fuck is hell, by the way? If it's another dimension, and thiests claim that so, then that just gives proof to the multiverse theory which in turn disproves god)?

I'm not going to argue by answering such rhetorical questions, because that task is done very well by Richard Dawkins in The God Delusion [also, on a sidetracked note - I hate whingers who claim to hate Richard Dawkins. If they're religious, they've got justification to hate him. If they're the "oooh look I'm athiest but Dawkin's is up himself" type, then go check up some definitions of hypocrisy and also come up with some arguments to Dawkins. I think he's done an excellent job and his logic as well as rhetoric is perfect, and he has every right to be cocky, though if you check out his videos, he's not really]. No doubt, my little rant here has been fuelled by that book, but it seriously does ring home the message. Do these people just do it for solace? Or do they do it under peer pressure? These acts, although harmless, are signs of belief in doctrines millenia of years old. Just like killing your children if they curse you is acceptable.

Thiests - if it gives you comfort, believe in a personal deity as you wish, and maybe who knows, one day I'll go to hell for being a prick. But don't try to get special consideration for such foolish claims (and -100 points to the authorities who accept the claims).

I think I'm gonna need a root-canal surgery, my tooth kills.

If this doesn't get me rich, there's something wrong with the world

2007-09-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, scratching the belly of most dogs will cause the dog to kick one or both legs in time to your motion.

Dogs usually enjoy this is and it can be entertaining to watch, however no-one has yet thought to take commercial advantage of this reaction.

Until now.

The idea is simple: a perpetual motion device.

Due to previously held interpretations of the laws of physics, no such machine has yet been produced.

Don't try and copy this as the patents are already filed, and I'll sue your ass but here is the idea:

Person A (you) approaches a medium sized dog, preferably well-natured and in good health. After gaining the dogs affections, coerce the dog into lying on its back and start to rub its exposed belly with your knuckles or palm. As the dog's head lolls back in giddy pleasure, use your fingers and nails to scratch it's belly until the dog's leg is kicking at an even rate.

Continue the scratching motion and call for Person B (your assistant). Person B brings a second dog, preferably similar in stature and disposition to the first, and places it adjacent to the dog you are scratching. Your assistant must deftly move his dog's belly into the path of your dog's leg. You may both relax now as the dog's kicking should maintain their momentum.

Backyard testing has proven this mechanism to be perpetual in its motion, and if you don't believe me I'll sue your ass.

My invention could be used in conjunction with this cat-powered contraption but backyard tinkerers should be wary of interspecial conflict.

I already have some big-name investors interested. Think HSBC, Macquarie Bank, Price Waterhouse Coopers &tc. so shut the hell up.

AWPEC, anyone?

2007-09-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

My friend took the following photograph from his office building in the City today.

And yes, that is an AI Arctic Warfare, also known as the AWP in the game Counter-Strike. I guess all we can do now is hope that the APEC protests do get out of hand, so the AWP can strike down from above, unleashing it's 1-hit-kill wrath upon the hippie protesters. Boom headshot, indeed.

8 Things I Learned from Die Hard 4.0

2007-08-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

1. When fighting in cramped cooling towers, backflips are usually the fastest way to get from A to B.

2. Said cooling tower won’t use conventional fans to move the cold air, instead opting for interlocking rotary blades that are for some reason sharpened and driven with enough torque to crush a human body.

3. After jumping out of a moving car it will maintain enough speed to launch up to ten metres in the air, instead of rapidly decellerating.

4. Helicopters explode instantaneously after being struck by flying cars.

5. Fighter pilots have no qualms about flying underneath freeway overpasses.

6. All blocks of C-4 plastic explosive are labeled as such.

7. Most geek’s computers have ample space to fit in 3 or 4 along with a detonator.

8. The national power grid has a simple option to reroute all natural gas to one power plant and then ignite it.

With ~~plagiarism~~ kudos to this guy.

The Castration of Man

2007-08-20T05:29:00.000-07:00

I have one point to this blog which will be explored in both the general and personal sense. My point is that men are weak.

I'll start with a question: "what is the role of a man?" In my oppinion it is to lead. Men should be loving and caring to women and children and should set an example for younger men. My main gripe with men is they fail to love and respect women. My case is based around the rather simple example of the random hook-up.

When a guy hooks up with a young lady to whom he is not attached he has done wrong. He is gratifying his own selfish physical desires. He is treating the girl as a means to an end: "she can satisfy me." Rather than an end in herself. He is treating her as a tool, a thing rather than a person. The random hook up is just so wrong, it dehumanises women.

The obvious counter arguement is: "what if both parties are just up for some fun?" To this I would say that men have therefore led women to view themselves as a tool as well.

Men value themselves on their possessions. Whether these are achievements, a girl-friend, trophies or whatever. Women value themselves on how they are seen by men. Their self-worth is based on how men see them. So why can't we just be selfless and put them before ourselves? Love and respect them; it's our duty and privilege.

Now onto the personal side of things. I am dodgey with chicks.

I am a christian, so sex is out of the question (all forms of sex) and making out and what-not is kinda shameful in christian circles so I avoid it as best I can. However I do like the allusion of closeness and intimacy; so I recreate it as best I can. This usually takes the form of close female relationships, which inevitably includes hanging out together one-on-one.

Anyone with half a brain would call these outings dates, but not me. I prefer to call them "spending time" but while I might not have any designs set on anything more than friendship I am still courting these women. Why? 'cause I'm dodgey.

In my defence I am unashamedly honest about where all parties stand. I'll tell a girl straight up that I don't want more than friendship, which is kind of a wanker-ish thing to do, but I figure it's better than leading them on completely, (even though by taking them out I am still leading them on). But at the end of the day girls will read into anything and that's why what I do is unfair on them.

At the end of the day girls want time and effort. If you give them time and effort they will like you. It's a dangerous thing to realise and too many men abuse the good nature of women, myself included.

The conculsion I've come to is this: seedy men upset me. Men in general upset me. When did we become so weak? Has society castrated us? We are feeble shades, struggling to lead ourselves let alone others. Men seem either to be over-sexed dickheads, moronic and lame. Or weak-voiced, uner-socialised timid men with no back-bone. I'm sick of it. Give me strong men, with integrity and grit, self-determined and loving. Not some self-seeking precocious twat who lives in a bubble.

Where Dead People Lay

2007-08-14T07:25:00.001-07:00

This week I've worked the graveyard shift.

There are a lot of lonely people out there, people who will call a radio station just to talk to someone. This doesn't bother me. One woman had received grave news about her health that day. She didn't want to go on air, she just wanted to hear a song*. I couldn't play it.

Another woman discussed her abusive and philandering ex-husband, she said she was unsure if she could love again.

Shortly after, a man called in with a very feminine voice. He started off by saying one should never hit a woman, he would never do such a thing. When he was a child his mother died God bless her soul and he was put in the care of his aunt. She was a complete bitch and would pull his hair, slap him and throw him against the wall but no, he was too good to stoop to her level, even though he wanted to punch that God-damned tart in the face. When he was old enough he ran away from home and he hopes that evil bitch dies and rots in hell, and that she's listening now. He hung up.

We went to a commercial break after that.

*The song was not 'Ain't Got Time' (Sumo's Roller Disco Mix) by Agent Sumo, it was Humoresque by Dvorak.

How to save the Earth, and my time.

2007-08-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

So now I'm working pretty casually, cos I'm a casual employee. Great pay, good hours and good people. I really do like the kids there. Sure, its a call centre, but at least we're not forcing people and anyone whose time we waste is thanks to their generosity. I, however, am not generous when it comes to my time and getting to work. My ANTH 1002 tutorial finishes at 4pm, maybe a few minutes late, because my teacher is really old. She has 21 million dollars in assets. This one time, she bought a chocolate bar as big as the moon and gave it to the fat boy. Anyway, that finishes at 4, and my shift starts at 4.30 at the Rocks. Due to my high sense of Bourne-esteem and knowledge of Sydney's transport routes, I know I can cover the 4100m route by running it in 22 minutes, walking it in 35 minutes, cycling it in 11 minutes, or catching a bus to Circular Quay then pacing it in 26 minutes. Seeing as I don't wish to be sweaty nor do I possess a bike, catching a bus seems the ideal way. So imagine my horror when I ran out at the end of my tutorial to see the bus stop jam packed [for purposes of not offending anyone through racism or sexism this bit has been left out]. Now, the public transport system is shit enough. So when two 370 services go by and the bus stop gets even more packed with people, frustration mounts further [370 services go to Leichardt or somewhere shit like that, but not the city]. Then finally, at 4.08, the first Circular Quay bus comes. However, due to the fact that the allocated bus zone where the earlier bus-stop-waiters are waiting is taken up by the non-city service, the CQ service stops behind.

Here comes the shit part, pretty much everyone that asked for a ticket, asked for one to Central. Like for Jesus' sake, University of Sydney to Central is 1200m! Thats a 12 minute walk. If you are so shit as to not be able to do that, you deserve to die in hell while sucking on greenhouse gases through a beer bong. Why is there is irreverant need for [certain stereotypes withheld] people to fucking catch the bus. Like ok, you're physically shit, because you just are - but anyone can walk a kilometre. People with debilitating diseases or one-offs excepted. But most certainly not the 30 of 50 people who get on at the USYD busstop who regularly ask for a ticket to Central [the other 20 go to Town Hall or Quay, which is fair enough]. It's these people who fill up the buses taking oppurtune moments and not caring for some others by displaying courtesy [respect the people who got there first]. I guess thats just the [stereotype] nature. Anyway, I got the 4th Quay service that came in at 4.14 and got to work 12 minutes late. I want a road bike.

Speaking of which, I loved the Tour de France, and I hope you all did too. I don't know why everyone's [myself included] so sure that Cadel Evans is not using drugs, but either way, congratulations to a man who did something very few can actually do. Something I've found myself doing now that I'm back at Uni is employing cycling tactics into my walking patterns. When I get off my train at Redfern, I get off in the main bunch, and you can distinguish this as everyone comes off the same train. You hide behind people for the most part until you see the entry to USyd, where the wooden walkway is the final 100m to the intermediate sprint of the day [where the walkway ends]. Then you keep going and climb up the stairs past microbiology building and into Wentworth, 2 Categorie 4 and one categorie 3 climbs respectively. Then theres the big indoor climb in Wentworth which is a Categorie 1, and it always takes a toll on the cardio system. Finally the exit from Wentworth to the footbridge is a Cat 4 to finish the climbs for the day and to enter the final sprint, the famous footbridge. Here, you break from the packs, overtake and pace yourself to the end of the footbridge, where you can gain your sprint points.
Anyone who doesn't understand cycling and doesn't go to USYD will not enjoy that. Which is pretty much everyone of my friends bar Long and Phil.
But on that fitness note, good luck to the City 2 Surf people this week, I'm sure you guys won't be catching buses to hold me up for work. Oh fuck I've got a shift on the day. If I'm late, you guys owe me the $10 I'm missing out on.
I'd write something cooler, but I'm in the process of proposing stuff to uni publications so I don't wanna put it up yet.

Much love to all and good day / night

The end of the ferryman

2007-07-24T00:08:00.000-07:00

The ferryman known as Charon in the Virgillian tale of Aeneas was said to transport the souls of the dead across the river styx where the soul would continue its journey to either Elysium or Tartarus. Now I am a christian and do not prescribe to such beliefs. I do however believe in an heaven-and-hell-world-in-opposites kind of reality, where some of us are saved and are heaven bound and some are not.

Indeed according to conventional modern Christian belief over two thirds of our planet's population have never heard the message of Jesus; that means at least two thirds are going to Tartarus. I think that this prospect should scare everyone, christian or not.

Life of Pi taught us all about a more middle ground reality, as if our spirit is a fluid that can shape itself in the vessel that carries it, flowing from one faith to another (if only we let it). This model of the soul stems from the epicurean thought that our souls inhabited the body and were that part of the body which was neither wind, air or water: a fourth part, altogether nameless. However, this model seems to split the soul. I don't like this. It's very post modern/Harry Potter-esque.

Thus what do we do with a soul. We can't percieve it. Can it percieve us? If it can, then it would change, making it mutable and thus mortal.

I was lucky enough to look into my soul the other day. And I happened upon some writings not dissimilar to a Les Murray poem... here follows my writings of the day, long winded as they stand.

A learned man still learning
is admitting ones defeat.
But those who live most,
Live in glorious retreat.

Warm like a blanket that
Sparkles with memories.
Warm like the tounge
off'ring its niceties.

The law itself is not quite right
When we as men oppose it.
But law is what still gives us sight,
It's men that overthrow it.

Still be still for I still remain!
I shake you to be still!
For while I'm here, you my dear
Must ne'er fade away.

That's all for now. Look after your soul and water it with smiles and other soft decietful wiles. Steal into the garden bright. Steal into the home you build. Steal.

Survival Guide

2007-07-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

This Week: How To Read

For many of us, reading can be a serious and time-consuming problem. Some of us were never taught to read; others are simply out of practice; and there are even some of us who are too inebriated on a regular basis to remember our own names, let alone read them. But in today’s society, it is important to know how to read, particularly if you are planning to be successful in any element of living. As such, we’ve prepared this handy guide on reading. We’re sure you’ll find it pointlessly amusing.

STEP ONE: WHAT TO READ
Some of you may be having trouble remembering what you can and can't read. Here are a few suggestions of things to read, as well as a few things which you must avoid at all costs.
Things you SHOULD read
Books; Pamphlets; DVD covers; This blog; Textbooks; Instruction manuals; Cockbooks (he means cookbooks – ed.); More pamphlets; Menus; TV guides.
Things you should NOT read
Ducks; Mein Kampf; other blogs; Boring books; Cheese; Newspapers (sorry, should have been with the things you SHOULD read section); The Da Vinci Code; Anything else by Dan Brown.

STEP TWO: SAFETY GEAR
Now that you have chosen your reading material, it is time to make sure that you are wearing the correct clothing. Never under ANY circumstances attempt to read ANYTHING if you are not wearing protective clothing. Ensure that your safety harness is snug and secure and that your goggles are completely covering both your eyes. The risk of a serious head injury is surprisingly small provided that you are wearing an Australian Fiction Council approved helmet. Check to see that you have your sick bag handy, in case you read something disgusting. Always wear pants.

STEP THREE: ASSUME THE POSITION
Your feet should be shoulder width apart, soles flat on the floor, toes pointing slightly inward. Bend your knees at right angles and move your rear end downwards until it reaches the seat of the chair. DO NOT sit on the armrest. DO NOT sit on the backrest. DO NOT sit on the cat. Lay the book flat on your lap with the front cover facing up, spine to the left. Place your hands on either side of the book. Keep your eyes open at all times. This serves a dual purpose: Firstly, it allows you to watch out for any ninjas which may be sneaking up on you; and secondly, it is very hard to read with your eyes shut.

STEP FOUR: UNDERSTAND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
This step may take several years of schooling for you to master. When you feel you are proficient in recognizing letters and numbers, take this simple test to make sure. The answers can be found at the bottom of the page.
Can you name the following letters?

A B C F ^ + T J $

STEP FIVE: CATCHING A FISH
Bait the line using a minnow or fathead minnow. Alternatively you can eat the bait and save yourself the trouble.
Cast your line over the side of the boat. If you are not fishing in a boat, you should not worry about catching a fish – you should be more worried about not drowning.
Once a fish has swallowed the bait and hook, reel it in and cook it, then eat it.
Don’t forget to take the bones out first.
Oh, and don’t cook the fish in the boat. Wait till you get back to dry land.

So there you have it. A handy guide to reading. Incidentally, if you’ve made it this far without knowing how to read, we’re very impressed. We’d give you a prize, but we can’t be bothered.
Take care all!
Answers to Quiz in Step Four: A; B; C; F; ^; +; T; J; $; Hippopotamus

Copying Richard Glover don't get you anywhere

2007-07-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

NOTE: This is very self-centred, sarcastic and not very enjoyable on the whole. In fact, it's pretty much an emo whinge. So don't read it at all. But I found the topic one worth discussing.

Today I have been out of a relationship for a year exactly, and while the first three months may have been of choice, the nine after I have just been a failure. But why is this so? In the same time period, I have observed multiple times on a daily basis all my friends falling in and out of love. This seems to them to be an easy task. While I have been told recently that you only get liked when you're not looking for it, I have not yet been approached once in this year long time frame. Bear with me, groan, whatever - but hereupon I'll say I'm ugly. This is a fact and there is no changing that. However, I am only so ugly - and there are guys uglier than me who are managing to pick up. Now - they may be ugly, but they're not fat. I am fat. But then, there are guys fatter than me who pick up. Wtf. But wait Bookie, ugly guys pick up, fat guys pick up - however, you are BOTH you Shrek of a being. So I'm fat and ugly, eh. But even this works out, on the rare occasion. It's just so goddamn frustrating.

So - it must be personality, right. Girls don't care about looks, oh no, it's all about the charm. Keke, I am more intelligent, much funnier, way more empathising and understanding [i could deadset tick off all those "50 things girls wish a guy knew" lists]. Yet I still seem to be not liked by any female. Now the negative - whinger, jealous, sarcastic, attaching [but they are all caused by this frustration]. Plus most 18 year old females are sluts and go for hot guys anyway.

So, if it does come to looks, what is it? The six pack? The triceps? Ha, no, something more interesting. This is where Richard Glover comes in. Last Saturday, or Sunday, I can't remember, I'm a bit fail from then - there was an article about why Richard Glover got the flick in his days too; Hairy arms. I found this so hilariously true. Glover said how everyone would talk about his hairy arms and what not, and how the Chewbacca syndrome got him bullied. I didn't get bullied because I went to a school where testosterone was appreciated, and no way better to show that than a moustache in year 8, mutton chops in year 9 and a full chest in year 10 [as well as handlebars in year 11]. But the most common saying would be "oh my god you have hairy arms" or variations of the saying. Now that I am at uni, I still get it, from the same people. Some newbs, who are nice and confident enough to say so, usually open with a variation of the line too. Other people, who are not confident enough to say so [why hide from the truth?] will be thinking the same. Not one person has thought this a positive. Even testosterone appreciating peers are a bit put off by it. There are "you know there are girls who like a guy with hairy arms" every now and then. This is perhaps the worst thing to say, as surely any girl who would like this sort of thing would be pushing me onto the bed quicker than a man who needs to go to the sink after finding a hot chilli pepper hidden in his ice cream. This is not the case.

Bookie, stop whingeing, you say. Am I whingeing? Yes. Am I making a fair point? YES. To show you why, I will include the example that is my friend Phil Roser. Phil Roser is also single, intelligent, funny and a fairly good bloke. In addition, he is neither fat nor ugly! Though he is pasty and ranga. However, while he is in love with every woman he too comes across, he is at the moment single. Looks? No, he's fair ok. Personality? Nothing that couldn't charm. Hairy arms? OMG you are right. He has hairy arms.

Today, I was having lunch with a friend. In the cold winter climes of Newtown, we sat down and ate our food with our full sleeved attire. This friend, who we shall refer to as M, then pointed at the television screen at the bar. While he did this, his sleeve pushed back a bit and lo and behold - he too had very hairy arms. Perhaps as much as Phil, but not as much as I. Either way, fairly hairy. He's not single, but the best he could do was asian.

A friend of mine this evening told me that love comes to you when you're not looking for it. I don't know if she's right, but it most certainly won't come to you if they are looking at hairy arms.

Of course, all this unsubstantiated and based on a small sample size. During Semester 2, I will attempt to survey 50 males whom I believe possess hairy arms about their current relationship status. If more than 80% are single, I will believe that hairy arms equals weary arms, and that they are not very attractive. In addition, I will Veet off my arms so that I can lose that which makes me a man in order to gain a wo-man [hey when I last got into a relationship, my left arm was bare =P].

Thanks for reading, there are 800m to go to Haut Folin, where someone will gain 6 points to the king of the mountains jersey. And 47 km overall to the end of tonights stage. I love you all, see you soon.

Procrastination

2007-06-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

Surely not the most original blog but I thought I best pay hommage to the antithesis of good marks. Procrastination is the art of not studying. More than that it is the ability to want to study and yet find something more pressing that you do instead. Personal favourites include: tidying my room, cleaning the kitchen, writing letters, reading or even blogging.

I wrote up a study plan over a week ago which would mean I'd write two essays a day, everyday. On average I would have written 0.80 of an essay daily. The same thing happened during the HSC. Back then I taught myself how to solve a rubiks cube. By myself, from scratch.

Today I spent an heathly amount of time cooking and cleaning up, then on facebook and myspace. Then on msn. Then watching question time from the senate. I read my Bible (book of Amos). Listened to music. Printed off the 6 essays I have written. And now I'm typing this. I have to get back to study this is ridiculous. I know this post was neither thoughtful or insightful or witty; so to make up for it here's a poem I wrote today.

A mouse in my mind

In my mind there’s a place for all creatures,
And the grey house mouse is smallest of all.
In fiction it lives in holes, in buildings.
But in fact it lives within my minds walls.

A domestic mammal, using its wit
To find the paths that a fantasy built.
Trekking down each to see what’s there;
His feet become blackened from the roads silt.

For these dreams that he looks at aren’t all his,
This fantasy explored comes with a price,
The path to imaginings is slippery indeed,
And dirt doesn’t belong on the backs of mice.

The silt turns the timid creature to green,
It covers his eyes, his coat and his feet.
He stops on the path and daren’t look about.
Backs up the fantastic trail in retreat.

I'm off to try and study.

Saturday 3.30am

2007-05-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

Leave club, the bus stop is only three metres away. We sit down and within thirty seconds a bus arrives with the sign saying "Not in Service".

Signal anyway and it pulls over, we get on and as I dip my pass, the bus driver shakes head;
"Don't waste your money."
Sit towards the front because bus is empty. Bus driver asks;
"Where do you wanna go?"
We were not so drunk as too confuse a bus for a taxi so pause.
"Town Hall"
"Please"
Bus revs off, we are all smiles. Bus stops, we get off. Drunk man tries to get on. Rejected. Angrily punches door. Bus stops again and driver yells and threatens. Drunk backs down, mutters under breath.

Taxi driver drives on wrong side of road and hums tetris themesong.

Get home, quiet, tiptoe. No parents, loud, share grapes. Goodnight.

Wake up, sailing, beer.

"Peace man, turn it 'round"

2007-05-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

Okay this is more of a rant than anything else. I am sick to death of these little bitches on the internets who are blocking up all the pics with that stupid little back to front peace sign thing. You know what I mean, you can't visit a single MySpace without seeing someone who thinks they're cool or funny or fun or whatever because they have this little symbol. It's not funny, it's not cute, its's not cool. It's so dumb. It has no purpose. You know the ones I mean like this douche bag on the left here, what a tool. It absolutely craps me! What does it even mean?

All great hand signs MEAN something. Throughout the ages we have had many and varied hand signals which have communicated an idea or message. From the ubiquitous "get stuffed" of a two finger pommy "up-yours" to the more american middle finger salute meaning: "I have no comeback and this is the best I could manage". We then moved to the satan symbol or possibly it meant ROCK! Who knows? I'm not too bothered, it's just a dumb old: "I agree with your sentiments, and the way in which I agree is an angry one." Great for a concert or peace rally...

From the depths of the violent hand signals came more peaceful ones. The "hang-loose" which was totally sweet during the... actually was that every popular with anyone other than jack johnson and Ben Harper? hmmm questionable... Coupled with this sign was the good old fashioned peace sign that Jesus heartily endorces. This peace symbol (or as Dan Brown would call it, Femal fertility symbol) was established NOT by hippies but by the Zulu's in Effrikah. Interesting no? The utter corruption of both the peace and get-stuffed/up-yours signs by these purile youths cannot go on any longer. I won't have them catch onto some dumb craze which just undermines the whole hand-sign industry!

You see when it comes down to it there are many and varied symbols in our society. Some are good and some are bad. This new pretentious, "how-cool-am-I-I'm-being-ironic" little piss ant of a hand symbol is so LAME it's just not funny. Don't do it. It's the domain of misguided 14-16 year old girls whose fathers are too weak to teach them how to be strong women.

That is all.

Some myths debunked which don't really help anyone

2007-05-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

I love reading stuff. I love reading stuff then reading other stuff which tells me that the stuff I was previously reading was quite wrong. Of course, I'm a sceptic, cynic and pric all rolled into one, so I usually check up the source and credibility of something anyway - and still don't end up trusting it. But either way, I love it when myths get debunked, and following I will talk about some myths which are prevalent in modern society.

DR KARL KRUSZELNICKI

I love Dr Karl. Although we have shared the same hall / lecture theatre many times, I've never spoken to him. Nor have I personally ever talked to his son either, who went to Highland High for 5 years the same and walks past me at university everyday. Mainly because he doesn't know who I am. Nobody does, I wish someone would tell me HOW TO BE AN EMO.

Anyway, here's a common myth associated with the mythmaster himself. Author of a gazillion [25] books about Myths, Dr Karl is probably the worlds most sceptic bastard ever. I do hope I spelt skeptic correctly. The 2003 Father of the Year is known for his colourful array of shirts, and his record for the most appearances on Kerry Anne Kennelly shows. While the personality of the science world continues having fun and being cool, people think, because of his head position as the Julius Sumner Miller Fellow at the Physics department of the University of Sydney, he got a doctorate through postgraduate physics. Untrue, because, Dr Karl Kruzselnicki is actually a doctor*. Now hopefully, you won't be losing any microsleep over that.

*MBBS (U of Syd, 1996)

THOMAS CRAPPER

"So this guy came over and I heard him say to my sister 'I have come to clean ze pool'. Man I was pretty damn grossed out."
"Then what happened?"
"Well, I heard some bumping and grinding, and I couldn't bear it!"
"Haha, I'd do your sister anytime."
"Shut the fuck up. It's worse because I was taking a crap at the time."

This is usually a dinnertime conversation at most households. If you live on a bus and have dinner at 9 in the morning. A four seater has many conversations, and dialogue such as the above will occur every now and then. It is at this point that the guy in the four seater who was not one of the two guys in the original dialogue, or the guy reading his maths notes, will chirp in and say "Did you know the toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper?" with a sense of pride about him, beaming his chest around. Someone who has not heard this before in the aisles of the bus will pass it onto his neighbour, and will tell this new finding also to his girlfriend or boyfriend later that night while they take a shit. Anyway, the original guys in the dialogue will turn to the interrupting smartarse and then say, because they are knowledgable and intelligent themselves, "Yes I did know that, now shut the fuck up. It's common knowledge."

What has our world come to when common knowledge is so ignorant? Thomas Crapper did not invent the toilet*. He had a name hynonymous with 'crap' - a word which was invented about 1000 years before he was born. Now go fuck yourself while you take a shit on Joseph Adamson's machine.

*He did invent valveless waste preventers, whatever they are.

JOEY FATONE

This myth of modern society is something close to my heart. For those of you unintelligent enough not to know who Joey Fatone is, he was one of the member's of the best band ever, *NSYNC. Now most people look at boyband's and automatically think they are untalented good looking kids. This is true for the Backstreet Boys, 5ive, and everyone else - except Take That and *NSYNC. I excepted Take That because Robbie Williams is so so fine these days, and he couldn't even get a vocal part on any of Take Thats song's - so it shows you how good they must be. So anyway, when people can come to terms with the fact that these guys are in fact quite talented, they can't fathom why Joey Fatone is in the team. Sure, Justin can sing, dance and looks hot, JC was the latino heart-throb with the strong voice, Lance Bass got the bass voice role, but couldn't actually do anything else, but he was hot [apprently]. Chris, well, he formed the band and had the high pitched voice which always backed up the lead vocalists. But Joey - what did he ever do? Surely if someone who cant sing can make it to a boy band - it would be for their looks. But Joey - let's face it, he's uglier than some curry kid with lung malfunctions. He's about 7 foot tall and about 4 weet wide. He has facial hair which makes him looks worse than is when absent. So there surely couldn't be anything going good for him, right? Such is the mindset of so many people they just cant bear the 3 microseconds Joey gets in the Justin dominated film clips. This was fueled the world [or at least the SBS watching population of Australia] over when John Safran decided to take a carboard cut-out of *NSYNC, cut out the section where Joeys face was, and ask men off the street to stick their face in the hole - then ask women who would they rather in the band, Joey or the guy off the street. Many laughs were had when everyone said the latter, and many enemies to Joey were spawned. But wait, once I did come across a supporter. On a satirical website which had a 'How to' guide [suck on that Morgan] on how to start a boyband, they mentioned which type of people should make up the boyband [pretty much based on BSB and *NSYNC]. There was a spot for "the not so cute guy, but the one with a funny personality". As daft as they may seem, I'm sure Chris took into mind when forming the band that he should not include a member who would be in it just for his personality. Because, you know, he will get the oppurtunity to have D-Ms with his fans.

Stupid stupid thinkers. Here is the myth debunked. Joey Fatone can sing*.

*Even though it was not funny, if you are not amused, go and have a listen to "I thought she knew" by *NSYNC. Joey sings the third verse and has a solid voice. He is also the loudest in the choruses JT and JC are wussing out and having a breather.**
**If you really got pissed off, for your amusement I let Apostrophe Man attack 7 times, go find what he's done.

That's about it. Enjoy.

Survival Guide

2007-05-01T03:24:00.000-07:00

This Week: How To Be An Emo

In this modern age of sub-cultures, sub-sub-cultures and corporate fascism, it is important to have an image – something which defines you as a person, leaving no room for argument or confusion. If you don’t dress in a particular way or listen to a certain type of music, how will people know what your interests are? Without a clearly defined persona, you won't have any friends and you'll surely die sad and alone, clutching at the faded remnants of a life wasted. With that in mind, we’ve prepared this handy Survival Guide to the easiest sub-culture of all: Emo. Make sure you follow all the steps: each one is as essential as the last.

STEP ONE: WEAR A LOT OF BLACK CLOTHING INCORRECTLY
As most of you will know, many sub-cultures wear a predominance of black clothing. Goths, punks and My Little Pony Fan Club Members are just a few such groups. But few sub-cultures have embraced the absence of colour quite like the emos…well, except the goths, who probably wear more black…but that’s not important. If you want to be emo, you have to wear plenty of black clothing, and you MUST wear it on the wrong body part, or in the wrong way. Put socks on your hands (don’t forget the finger holes); turn your t-shirt inside out; wear jeans that are 3 sizes too small for you (check younger sisters closet for various examples); and never wear shoes that match. Badges with anti-establishment or ironic slogans are a must. If you dress like this, everyone will recognise that you're refusing to conform to the standards set by authoritarian figures and rejecting conformity. Plus, other emos will be able to use you as a mirror.

STEP TWO: GET THE HAIRCUT
As everyone knows, emo is short for emotional, and people who are emotional cry all the time. With that in mind, the inventors of emo came up with a brilliant haircut. To achieve the emo cut, simply dye your hair black (if your hair is already black, dye it anyway – you might be able to make it super-black a colour all emos strive for) and then comb it over your face. The longer and thicker it is, the better you’ll look. This haircut serves a dual purpose. Firstly, it means that all you can see is a wall of black, which is way better than looking at the pain and suffering in the world anyway. And secondly, it hides the tears which flow constantly from your eyes, allowing you to keep your pain and misery to yourself. This haircut also benefits those around you, because it means they don’t have to look at your face.

STEP THREE: CREATE A MYSPACE
As you probably know, MySpace is a wonderful vehicle for sharing your thoughts and personality with other people via the internet. However, since all emos share the same personality, you must use your MySpace as a place to share your innermost thoughts, specifically through the medium of poetry. Make sure your background is black, and your display photo is taken from a high angle, so all we can see is your hair and your frowning mouth.

STEP FOUR: THERE IS NO STEP FOUR
We only needed three steps to completely sum up the emo sub-culture. What does that say about emos?

So now that you know how its done – don’t do it.
Take care all!

Dressing your child in Gucci

2007-04-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Only tossers do this.

The motives for wearing clothes fall under three main categories;

Utilitarian – So you're not naked, or in extreme climates, to stop your skin from melting/freezing.
Primeval – To get sex. I will also accept 'To impress'.
Self-expression – Some people wear shirts with logos like 'Jack Daniels' or 'Emporio Armani' emblazoned across them. These can send different messages ('I'm a bogan' and 'I have a small penis' respectively). There are many types of dress that fit into this category – 'emo' garb, ridiculous raver clothes, punk outfits, goths, mods &tc.

When someone is younger than ten, only the first category applies. Eight year olds don't care what they wear and if they're a well balanced child they would be applying liberal servings of mud, food, dirt blood and rips anyway.

That's why you look like a tool when you dress your kid in $50 moleskins.

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: hye jake

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: hi

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: u wanna cum ova 2day????????????

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: k

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: awesum that is hepas kewl

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: yer

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: should i invbite angus?????????

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: you c wot he wore on tuhsrday???

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: u mena teh insite jeans lol

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: yeh

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: no1 wears f&%*@** insight nemore

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: yeh

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: wot a fag

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: yeh no way hes comin

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: cool

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: can i bring shrek ova???>

**=+^TyLeR^+=** says: yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesysseyeyes

ĴĂĶĔ»»««Řøxx says: k im gonna go ask mum

Parents, kids clothes should be handed down or bought from Target, Kmart or Vinnies.

Polka Post I

2007-04-05T00:10:00.000-07:00

If you are unaware of what a 'polka post', you are normal, as it is a term I just invented there and then. Based on Weird Al's 'polka' mixes, a polka post is one which is done on the spur of the moment and goes from topic to topic, usually intertwined with one another, and usually related to current affairs. They are quite effective in getting curiosities across (I don't know what that means or how it works) - they are for the most part not intended to be humourous, but if you do get laughs out of them - A+ for you.

David Hicks. Jesus Christ. No, there is no link between the two, it was just my "oh god get over it". David Hicks has pleaded guilty and now will be partying on New Years. But then, he's muslim, and muslims can't really do anything. Except kill people because they're terrorists. Fair, not every muslim is a terrorist, but David Hicks is. Why so much care for a guy that was caught running from authorities in the middle of the middle east? He's in the same boat as every other Al-Qaeda person. Just because his dad lashed out doesn't make him a loving son. Osama bin Laden's brothers own companies in the USA and his nieces are popstars - that doesn't mean everyone thinks that Osama is a fun-loving businessman. Why the double standards? If it is a case of race (which I think it is) then that's just stupid. Now Hicks is an Australian citizen. If the fucker's a terrorist, then he's a terrorist. If he pleaded guilty as a terrorist, then he's a fucking terrorist. Terrorists bomb shit. They kill people. Now if David Hicks pleaded guilty as a terrorist, and is being let free in a bit less than 9 months, will he be a born-again Christian? He probably wont be so open about it (no shit), but he may yet still be providing his Al-Qaeda buddies with info that Willie Brigitte couldn't get across. What's more is the whole thing is costing the government about a million dollars to get him home and get through all the procedures and what not. Bloody stupid. Leave him to the Americans and let them rape him, torture him, drug him and what not. Karma hits all of us.

Speaking of drugs, Ian Thorpe and his little drug test allegations are a bit worrying. Surely if he had a positive test they'd pwn him there and then. And why did he take so long to retire? After Athens 2004, he didn't go to a single major meet, and yet it takes him two and a half years of ambiguity and then some to retire early this year. What's more worrying is that he was dobbed in by l'Equipe magazine. For those of you not in the know, the magazine (which founded the Tour de France) was responsible for dobbing in Lance Armstrong as well as every other top cyclist for drug cheating, including Floyd Llandis last year. Where do they get this information? Do they have an insider at WADA? Do they keep media men in the fucking toilets? Jesus Christ. Fuck, if l'Equipe was around 2000 years ago they'd be onto Jesus for staying on the Cross and/or rising again.

"It's a miracle!"

"No, no, he just had higher levels of testosterone."

Happy Easter folks. And cycling is understandable - the newspaper is highly involved with the race and want to do whatever they can to better its image. But why a swimmer that has never been to France except for the time he probably had to take a photoshoot with a croissant is of little sense. It's not their business and it's high time they fucked off. Someone should punch their lights out.

Earth Hour took place last weekend. Now, I've already ranted about this around and about - but even though emissions were 10% lower than normal, it's not gonna work that well. It's a gimmick. And a media stunt. How much did the SMH parade itself as being the champions of such a cause, global citizens of note. Thank you Fairfax. They single handedly saved our city's environmental crisis. Next they'll sponsor Water Hour and what not (my suburbs water was out for 2 hours on Sunday). But what I love is the media war that was caused with Earth Hour. Fairfax shot up. When you searched up on the morning of that day (31/3/07), the SMH website would return approximately 400 results for "earth hour". Now, this great cause that all of Sydney was talking about only managed 2 results at News Ltd's websites. Lovely. And the next day the Sunday papers were out. The Fairfax's Sun Herald managed to show 4 (rather photoshopped as well as irrelevant) photos and about 30 articles as to how Sydney saved so much and how great an effort it was. News' Sunday Telegraph had a page 2 article saying how "some Sydneysiders took part in Earth Hour" then showed a picture of the Fairfax offices, which still had its lights on during the time period. Isn't that lovely? Fairfax vs News, when will it finish. As a media student, I hope never, as this is providing business and interest. As a citizen (not really), it's a bit fucked up if they're only out to promote themselves against each other as to actually being honest about causes.

Well, that's about it. Ponder some issues. And maybe I'll think up something funny by the end of Easter weekend. Til then, don't think WWJD on Friday, because that's a shit idea.

Awsm, out.

Ring Ring

2007-04-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

Me: Hello?
Good afternoon sir, how are you? My name is Joseph. I'm calling to ask if you've received the two free videophones with zero dollars upfront?
Me: Yes, I have recieved them, thanks very much.
...
Me: Anything else?
Umm...*click*

Sunday Night Music

2007-04-01T05:44:00.000-07:00

Finally, it's here. Enjoy...

Survival Guide

2007-03-31T05:00:00.000-07:00

This Week: How to Use a Mac

As everyone in the entire universe knows, the PC is a far superior computer to the Macintosh. It’s easier to use. The programs are better. It looks like sex in metal box form. But in today's crazy world, some people think that the Mac is somehow more useful, and are forcing them down our throats. You may have serious trouble operating a Mac, so we’ve prepared this survival guide to help you come to grips with the wonderful world of Macintosh. We’re sure you’ll find it informative and witty.

STEP ONE: TURING THE MAC ON
In their infinite wisdom, PC manufactures have outfitted their product with an On/Off button, which simply needs to be pressed to switch the computer on or off. The Mac, on the other hand, is a far more fickle device and requires a complicated and bloody sacrificial ritual. Make sure the chicken is between 3 and 4 years of age, then slice firmly through the jugular vein, being careful to spray the blood over yourself. Fill a small bowl and place this in front of the computer, intoning “Oh Great Macintosh, please accept this humble offering of chicken’s blood, that I might turn you on, and update my iTunes.” If the blood disappears from the bowl, the computer should start in a couple of minutes. However, if the blood begins to congeal, you have angered the spirits, and will surely be punished with a gruesome death.

STEP TWO: UNDERSTANDING THE OPERATING SYSTEM
Many people are unaware of exactly how a Mac works, but if you are ever to succeed in life and love, you must learn the basic operating system. Rather than go into any technical jargon, we’re going to make this step as plain and simple as possible. Essentially, there’s a colony of tiny Native Americans living inside the computer, much like in the popular and heart warming 1995 film, The Indian in the Cupboard. Unlike big American Indians, who live only to build casinos and lay the guilt on the white man, these tiny Native Americans serve as your slaves, living in the Mac and doing your bidding. They take their orders from the mouse, explained in Step Three.

STEP THREE: USING THE MOUSE
No doubt you're expecting some sort of “it’s not a computer mouse, it’s a real mouse” gag, where I try and convince you that the Mac mouse actually contains a small rodent, encased in plastic, which runs around in the computer and squeaks in a variety of silly voices, prompting the tiny Indians to do your bidding. Well we're nothing if not predictable, so here goes. The mouse in a Mac is not just a piece of plastic. It’s actually a small rodent, encased in plastic, which runs around the computer and squeaks in a variety of silly voices, prompting the tiny Indians to do your bidding. Keep it well stocked with cheese, or it might eat your baby.

STEP FOUR: INCORRECT USAGE
It is important to remember that the Macintosh is not a toy. It is a sophisticated piece of hardware, designed to make your life easier in every way. With this in mind, please follow these safety instructions:
Do not attempt to operate the Mac near a naked flame, while underwater, or near a sulphuric acid throwing machine.
Do not attempt to sit on a three legged stool while operating a Mac.
Do not juggle chainsaws, flaming torches or live piranhas while using a Mac.
Do not attempt to recreate the American civil war using Pro-Tools.
Do not set yourself on fire while using the Mac.
If you do set yourself on fire while using a Mac, stay well away from firemen – you wouldn’t want them to catch on fire either, would you?

So there you have it. Four simple steps which will make using a Mac easy and productive. If you still have trouble using your computer after reading this guide, you clearly have the intelligence of a three-week old cheese sandwich, and it is obvious that God only keeps you alive because you amuse him somehow. Take care all!

Title's are for faggotries.

2007-03-27T06:44:00.000-07:00

First to swear! Fuck.

So it's a lifestyle, you wake up to it, you come hoem to it, you think about it. You start off pretty stock but than you mod that shit to oblivion.

So if you have yet to join the MySpace community, get your head out of your boyfriends arse and into www.myspace.com/communist_party i.e. my MySpace.

I am pretty sure I have to post this blog before midnight which from this sentence is 12 minutes away. So I'll be brief and concise.

www.myspace.com/communist_party

Go there and increase my Profile Views plz. Then go and dowload the mixes my friend, Jeremy, made. Then return to my page and admire. Repeat until download limit is reached.

So I am not sure if I have introduced myself, I am Andrew. Hi.

Now my posts are going to be made up largely of my own my own personal insight on the world, I will try and not let ti be forced and abuot bullshit I really don't care about so you might get two a month you might get three, good things take time, not like this one.

I alos make a fakload of typographical errors.

Excuse me as I leave.

15 minutes of what?

2007-03-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

Fame is an idea which seems to have been americanised (with so much of the world) of late. Many of the faces on women’s magazines are now famous for, in that uniquely American way, being famous. The most notable example of course being Paris Hilton who has kept herself in the media spot-light through calculated media hypes, such as drink-driving, riding dirty, and riding dirty with a video camera pointed at her.

In light of the sensationalised view of celebrities it has also lifted the status of B-grade celebs and all the way down to the common pleb. With the advent and popularisation of MySpace and YouTube, we as humans no longer have 15 minutes of fame, but are famous to 15 people. There will be on average 15 people out there in the internets that have never met us but know about us. Indeed this blog itself is a testament to the fact, although most who read this will know me in real life there will be one or two whom I've never met. The nature of celebrity is changing; so what of this change?

I think it was Plato who first stated: "Anything that comes out of America must surely be evil." Whilst this has its exceptions (think Justin Timberlake, The Monkeys, Leonardo Di Caprio et cetera) Plato does make a strong point, and I think you'll agree that the worship of celebrity is a bad thing for us, that we are less connected with our own lives. However there are two sides to this sordid coin.

Whilst one might argue that the idea and indeed the ideal of celebrity takes power away from us and holds power over us, it also can empower us. This is seen in Time magazines choice of Person of the Year 2006 being a ubiquitous: "YOU!" The magazine siting YouTube as a major driving factor behind this, that we are now a more integrated world, all of us connected whether it's via Vlogging or Xbox Live. When we break this down it seems to make sense: "Yes I can play Halo against those two guys from Iceland every Friday at four, just before checking my subscriptions on YouTube, learning more about that 18 year old girl from Bougainville QLD". However the big picture doesn't lie; when we take a step back from this we realise what these people are to us, and we are to them; celebrities.

We don't know these people, we can't feel their pain with them, and we can't communicate with them the way humans are designed to. They are essentially nothing more than pictures in a magazine to us, no matter how many frags we get for the Red Team with them, or how many private cam chats we engage in.

So celebrity is a real thing, but celebrities aren't real. Don't go selling yourself online, you might not like the product you get from it.

Howto be served by a waiter/not piss me off at work

2007-03-20T07:11:00.000-07:00

One of my jobs involves serving booze at a function centre. In my shifts I've noticed that some patrons know how to be served without making their waiter want to dunk their head in our silver-plated wine cooler, and some don't. This post is aimed more at the latter group.

Firstly, don't even think about snapping your fingers to get my attention. The phrases “waiter” or “excuse me” may be overused but in this context are entirely the right way to address me.

When I lean over your table to fill up your glass, there is absolutely no need for you to lean so far over that I think you're playing chair limbo. No, I'm not going to pour red wine all over you, nor am I going to 'accidentally' brush against your breasts. Fifteen degrees is usually adequate for my arm and the wine bottle to fit through. In fact it's more than adequate. If you lean a minute over fifteen degrees in any direction, I'll be tempted to shove you off your chair, soak your hideous designer handbag in Shiraz and later, apologise insincerely.

As I approach your group mid-conversation, please don't immediately become silent and look awkwardly at each other. This is a wrong for two reasons; firstly, don't presume that I care what you're talking about, my attention is wholly focused on the fifteen kilo tray balancing precariously on my arm and your sudden silence will most likely alarm me. “Oh shit why did they stop talking, I forgot to wear pants to work didn't I? Not again...”

Secondly, I'm usually one of four bar staff. As well as us there are at least three waiters serving hors d'oeuvre. If your conversation that started off about the cost of renovating your investment properties was to cease every time one of us walked within three metres of you, there'd be no chance of your getting into the discomfort you felt after the latest threat of interest rate rises.

In my cramped little bar upstairs, my co-workers and I meticulously arrange glasses around the tray, presenting a visual feast of gleaming glass, ice cold drinks and diamond studded stubby holders. Strange as this may seem to you, when you put your napkin stuffed Margarita glass on the tray, it kinda ruins the effect. Wait till the tray is empty or put the glass on a table – it's not that hard. This leads to my final point.

There's something about the canopied area of the garden that compels people to play hide and seek with the glassware. I'll see thirty or so drink-laden patrons walk down there and return empty handed soon after. So...where did the glasses go?

I feel like I'm in a shitty adventure game, searching the most unlikely places I can think of in order to get more useless items. Under fern leaves, behind the lawnmower...I'm looking forward to the day I catch you red-handed, kneeling in the dirt with a little trowel as you furtively bury the Champagne flute. The look on your face would be the very definition of sheepish. You can wash it too.

Survival Guide

2007-03-20T02:51:00.000-07:00

This Week: Do You Have Leprosy?

In this modern world of ours, it’s often hard to find the time to check yourself for obscure tropical diseases. Today's busy professional doesn’t have time to sit down and examine every minute part of his body for signs of malaria or face cancer. So to make your life easier, we’ve prepared this handy guide which will allow you to make sure you are not suffering from leprosy. (Sorry, there wasn’t time to address malaria or face cancer…just pray that you’ve been vaccinated, or don’t have a face.)

1. How many limbs do you have?
One of the most common symptoms of leprosy is having your arms and legs fall off,
usually at inopportune moments, such as your daughters wedding, or a friend’s Bar Mitzvah. Quickly count your limbs. If you have:
4 limbs – You may not be suffering from leprosy. However, you might also be suffering from leprosy and so drunk you’re seeing double. Take a blood alcohol test.
5 limbs – You’re overcompensating. No-one really believes that your penis is so big, it counts as an extra limb. So just stop it.
6 limbs – You appear to be some kind of insect, and should be congratulated for being able to read. You should also be stepped on.
Any less than 4 limbs – YOU MAY HAVE LEPROSY. CONTINUE TO READ. (Everyone else: Continue to read as well, the laughs just keep coming, we promise.)

2. Where do you live?
Those people who suffer from leprosy are often sent to live in special leper colonies, so as not to infect us ‘normals’. So if you live on a largely deserted Hawaiian island, or in a cold and unwelcoming institution in Japan, then you may have leprosy. Look around. Are all your friends covered in unsightly sores or swathed in bandages? If yes, you may be living in one of these special colonies. The bad news is you may have leprosy. The good news is the Japanese government has been mistreating you for years and will have to pay you compensation. The worse news is you're probably going to slowly rot away.

3. Can you see monks?
In the middle ages, the monks of England were charged with looking after leprosy victims. Admittedly there are far less monks around today, so look around for Christian groups instead. Are there large bands of Catholic Asian Students Society members following you around and tending to your throbbing sores? This could mean you have leprosy.

4. Are there any Fun Runs or charities dedicated to you?
People like to help other people, because it makes them feel like they are making a difference, when all they are really doing is calling attention to your hideous deformities. Have you been approached by a charitable organisation who are offering to dedicate a portion of their funds towards helping people like you (rather than helping you)? Has anyone recently dedicated a hospital wing to you? Have you been referred to as ‘an inspiration to us all’? If your answer to any of these was “Yes, that happened just five minutes ago!” then that’s a frightening coincidence. It also means you may have leprosy.

5. Have you ever watched the movie ‘Maid in Manhattan’?
As everyone knows, this movie was terrible. In fact, scientists have proven that watching this movie will give you leprosy, malaria AND face cancer, all at the same time. So if you have seen this movie, there’s only one thing you can do…pray.

Having read this guide, you can now identify whether or not you have leprosy.
If you do have leprosy, please stay well away from me, because I've got stuff to do and can't be slowed down by annoying bouts of leprosy.
If you don’t have it, good for you! You can now lead a normal life, free from stress or anxiety. Women will find you attractive and men will want to know you in an intimate way, depending on your gender and sexuality. You will be successful in all business deals and the money will pour in, leading to a lavish lifestyle full of fun and excitement. But you're lavish lifestyle will probably lead to face cancer, so you’ll be dead at 30.
Take care all!

Note: Since I'm also writing for the UTS student newspaper, Vertigo, this survival guide and others like it will appear, in a somewhat edited form, in that publication. If you believe that I'm cheating by using the same material in two different places, please throw yourself under the nearest bus. Thanks.

Shit music

2007-03-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

Every so often (more often these days), there comes along a shit artist who calls themself a musician or something or the other. And I don't mean "Led Zeppelin are shit because they're mainstream" shit or "Treadstone 71 are shit" shit either. I mean "what the fuck your lyrics don't make sense and you're incredibly shit" shit.

And you don't have to search far for these either. The guys who can't do anything and you wonder how they got there. I was listening to Weird Al Yankovic's new album, and his hit song off this album has been "White and Nerdy". While I laughed out loud at this parody of some song, I did not actually know what the original song was. It turned out it was Chamillionaire's "Ridin'".

Now here, there are a number of fails.

1. Any person calling him or herself Chamillionaire is fucked up. What the fuck, he's not a chameleon. He's got three layers of fucking headwear for fucks sake, it's really not hard to miss. Not much of a chameleon (if that is the supposition to be made). Also, it's pretty stupid aligning yourself with millionaire.
2. Now don't get me wrong, I hate black people, but this guy takes the cake. He's deformed and ugly. He's indoors, yet wears a hooded jumper, a cap and a skullcap. Surely one is enough.
3. His music is shit.

I've never heard this 'Ridin'' song, but somehow it's famous. A quick search on Wikipedia also reveals that he's won a Grammy. Hopefully for playing the triangle during a live performance of Pachelbel's Cannon (I don't know what PC sounds like, nor do I know if a triangle is involved), and being given "Best Supporting Musician during Live Performance" in the Pachelbel's Cannon category. It only took me one look at the lyrics of his songs to realise he's incredibly shit.

While we all forgive John Lennon for Goo-goo goo-joobing once in a while, the lyrics in this man's 'music' consistently fail at meeting the standards of literacy set by the International English Language Grammar Union. Even the Veronicas, depsite naming their songs 4ever, managed that. And the band 5ive (which would be pronounced five-ive if I may say so myself) at least had songs that make sense. By the way, I made the International English Language Grammar Union up.

In his well titled 'Peepin' Me' from the Sound of Revenge album, we come across in the first verse lyrics such as;

yeah black dickies, black vehicle, pull up on black dubs

Durin that party im in the block pullin them freaks for afta

Nothing gets a broad looser than a stack of cash does

So them rims bigger than dubs let me see how they math was

Negroid what?

I honestly get nothing in that verse other than that he has money (from which source I do not know) and the fact that he is illiterate and would be better serving time mining opium in the fields of Afghanistan. Who buys these people's music? What makes him so good?

The quick search on Wikipedia also showed that he has released not one, but TWO greatest hits albums. Now two greatest hits albums usually means about 25 songs. This guy has a discography of 42 'songs'. Now, my incredible maths brain tells me that 25/42 is quite a big fraction. Led Zeppelin never released a Greatest Hits. Pink Floyd released about twelve, each with the same songs and a different B-side. Queen released three, which was a bit far, but hey, people enjoyed their music. But this fucking random who has one 'hit', or so it seems to me - has managed to release two greatest hits albums with 5 years of his debut. Either he's a gun or he has the intellect of a nigger.

Oh, snap.

Stupid sports

2007-03-19T05:36:00.000-07:00

In life man ponders the tough questions. Whether to open his blog with a cliché? What to wear each day? Why did Oasis’ third album suck so much? Some of these questions can be answered in a sentence: Always open a blog with a cliché. Wear suspenders and a vest. And they were so coked up they thought they’d just written Beethovens 14^th. But one question remains: Why are sports so stupid? I’m going to look at three sports; AFL, Cricket and Rugby.

Australian sport is epitomised by Aussie Rules; a stupid game of areal ping-pong, in which people have worse handling of the ball then the Pakistani slips men. The only sport where you’re rewarded for having the right idea: “Jeeze that was close, I can see what you’re trying to do so we’ll give you a point”. In this game eighteen players from each team are on the field at any one time. That’s a bloody big field. And they run the whole time. Indeed it’s the only sport with multiple umpires. Furthermore the players are absolute beasts BUT they aren’t allowed to use their size in proper tackles. To watch a game of AFL is to die a little inside. Big burley men fumbling a little red ball in an attempt to get it through some posts. Awesome idea!

The AFL-8500 is a high speed, high bandwidth fiber optic link

Cricket is possibly the only sport more stupid than AFL. 22 men will play for five days starting at 11 and finishing somewhere between 5 and 6 each day and still with the strong possibility of a drawn game. Furthermore it’s freaking dangerous! Anyone who’s faced the bowling of a decent paceman will know it’s damn well scary; I mean that ball is hard man. Far out, I got hit in the arse once, it was worse than my night with George Michael! (Get it? He’s gay!) But the danger doesn’t stop at your local playing grounds. At an international level it gets even more intense. Most notably off the field and at Rahul Dravid’s house, where you can be sure an angry mob are gathered to burn effigies and chant foul mouthed slogans in a scene reminiscent of the area outside Fisher library.

Shane Warne after a night with George Michael

Finally Rugby, AKA forcemans back. “Hey I got the ball, I know let’s boot it out of the park!” I’m not sure if I’m just bitter about rugby because in six years of playing it I never scored a try or because Australia is so crap at the moment. (I say at the moment as if they’ll get better any second…they won’t). This is the most boring sport to watch. The offside rule coupled with George Gregan make rugby the pox of all sports. The game errs so far from conventional logic it’s just ridiculous. Yes it okay to ruck his face, but no you can’t touch the ball if your knee’s on the ground even if you were the one who made the tackle. In short rugby is good when you’re winning and I don’t win.

Gregan in his best position

Having said all this I enjoy watching all three sports and really miss playing rugby. I like sport because it's fun, but bloody hell sports are dumb when you break them down.

Strong computer-generated battle violence, among other things

2007-03-19T01:23:00.000-07:00

So I thought I'd skip the obligatory introduction post, because there's something far more important and sinister at hand. That's right, I'm talking about the new Office of Film & Literature Classification labels. Gone are the days where one could peruse the video store, picking up DVDs and videos at a whim, looking for key phrases such as "High Level Violence", "Sexual References" and "Nudity". Phrases that would ensure a night of entertainment. Now, there's this:

This, for those who aren't in the know, is the classification the OFLC gave to the new film 300. Now, ignoring the ridiculous look of the label for the moment (I know it's hard, but I'll get to that later), let us instead concentrate on the warnings the label contains. "Strong computer-generated battle violence". I mean, seriously, could the label be any more fucking specific? Let me break it down for you:

There's violence.
The violence is strong (ie lots of intense shit happens).
The violence is supposedly centred around battles.
The violence is computer-generated.

You pretty much only need one of the above points to get across that the movie is violent. Did the guy in charge of making the labels suddenly have the urge to make them all fancy? It certainly isn't impressing me. Moving on, it should be noted that one could even view the last point as being counter-productive. Shouldn't we take comfort in the fact that the film makers didn't actually go back to the times of the Spartans and recreate a real battle sequence with cast made up entirely of people who would be facing capital punishment if it weren't for an agreement between Warner Bros. and the US State Penitentiary System? That's right, I went there. But fuck that, there's a even bigger problem at hand.

What is the point of the second warning, "Death and war themes"? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that anything that involves violence and battles is inherently, and intrinsically, linked with death and war, both respectively and generally. Now Mr. Man-Who-Makes-OFLC-Label-Warnings is being completely tautologous. Fucker. Why bother with all of these obsolete and stupidly specific warnings, when you could take a much easier and informative route. I'd be rearing to see any movie that had this classification:

This rating doesn't fuck around. It's what I wish every film critic was like with their reviews. Informative, but with some intrigue. But even though we've resolved the problem of the OFLC's useless warnings, we are still faced with the issue of the overall aesthetics of the new labels. To put it bluntly, they're fucking oversized and look gay.

Does everyone remember the old rating labels? Yes? Good. Now remember all the problems you had trying to tell what rating the label actually corresponded to? No? What about trying to read the tiny print on the label? No trouble with that either? THAT'S BECAUSE THE LABELS WERE PERFECTLY FINE TO BEGIN WITH, YOU FUCKING RETARDS AT THE OFLC!

Seriously, what fucking genius at a board meeting said, "I know, we'll get the current ratings labels, make them really big, use the most offensively bright colours we can imagine, and we'll have our new labels! To top it all off, we'll make sure the labels are printed on the DVD slips, making sure no one can remove them and have a nice DVD cover to look at!"?

Do you know the reason for the colours? They're there to "help parents make educated decisions about purchases". I'm pretty sure that a parent who can't read and only associates things with colour isn't going to be that pressed about their children's welfare when it comes to movies and games. I guess what I'm trying to say is I hate Westies, and that they're retarded.

Anyway, I'm not really going anywhere with this, so I'll stop now.

Also, I'll be posting my first ever Friday Night Music: The Best Artists You've Never Heard program. There's interactivity, so be sure to check it out.

The Snakes are Here

2007-03-18T05:53:00.000-07:00

Good day to you and welcome to this group blog. The writers are a group of intelligent and interesting young men, with different tastes and different senses of humour. We hope you read us and get a laugh, learn something, feel intrigued, get outraged, or simply appreciate our insight.

~Elcap

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